“What Would You Say, You Do Here?”

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by @DimTillard


  • The Bullpen has always been a conundrum (or puzzle) to many fans, game attendees, and even dugout personnel.
  • Curious fans are drawn to these seemingly lost players.  More accessible than a dugout, “the pen” sits near the bleachers as a beacon of baseball answers.
  • “Why aren’t ya’ll in the dugout?”
  • “Can I have a ball?”
  • “When you goin’ pro?”
  • “What position you play?”
  • “Can I have a ball?”
  • “How hard you throw?”
  • “Why ain’t you pitching?”
  • “Can I have a ball?”
  • “Will you sign my hat?”
  • “Do you have a pen to sign my hat with?”
  • “Can I have a ball?”
  • But, if any player had a choice of watching the game from either the dugout or the bullpen, the answer is always the pen.  With no coaches or adult supervision, the word “boring” has never been used in the bullpen.

Pitchers are notorious for their focus and execution.  Even if it is constructing a zen garden behind the right field wall during a game.  Precision shovel handling and an innovative waterfall highlight the well cultivated oasis.  However, if a water pipe were to break, the geyser can be seen from the stands. (hypothetically)

Password is played with four players and can also require an arbiter judge for heated debates.  Two teams of two compete with one word clues.  IMPORTANT (if a member of either team is called into the game to pitch, the bullpen catcher or arbiter is allowed to fill the vacancy)

Bullpen games.  Bullpen games are mini games or riddles designed to make other teammates feel left out.

  1. Travel Game
  2. Snaps
  3. Hat Game
  4. Elevator
  5. Click Click Bang Bang
  6. Bobby’s World/Green Glass Door
  7. Black Magic
  8. Chinese Numbers

(*dozens could exist, with more invented every ballgame)

5th Inning Stretch?  During the fifth inning, the pause button is pushed.  Every game or construction project is put on hold, and all pitchers stretch.  Just In Case the bullpen is called into action.

Baseballs are currency.  Not sure of the exchange rate with the U.S. dollar, but a baseball can get you: 2 jumbo hot dogs or a large nacho, cotton candy or a bag of peanuts, 3 Cracker Jack boxes or a massive Coca-Cola ICEE. (the blue ICEEs leave evidence)

(60% of the time) bullpens are laced with a quite pungent aroma of Atomic Balm, Red Hot, coffee, baby powder, and sunflower seed spittle.

Pink backpacks are a nice accessory to compliment any bullpen.  Carried by the low man on the totem pole, it is the lifeblood for pitchers.  The (secret) contents of this prize possession include: one box of curveballs, the key to the batters box, a left-handed fungo, ammo for the radar gun, and a small can of checkered paint.

Before leaving the pen, a relief pitcher knows he MUST throw POORLY.  If a reliever throws great in the bullpen and then enters a game, he Will NOT do well. (the answer for this was lost long ago, and is still unknown)


“A cowboy rides into town on Friday…”

*8 of 16*

2 thoughts on ““What Would You Say, You Do Here?”

  1. Reminds me of Jim Bouton’s Ball Four in which the bullpen pitchers constructed lineups of non-ballplayers based just their names. (Category: Musicians) “Batting cleanup, slugging centerfielder, Duke Ellington!”

    Like

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